A Superhero Triptych

At work fighting crime

At rest in the Batcave

Unmasked!!!

Heartstopper

Yesterday I had my first truly horrifying moment as a SATD. I was trying to change Graham on his bed while I let Jakey crawl around next to us. We do this all the time since we have a sturdy set of bedrails and Jakey isn't that mobile yet.

Well, that sentence should be amended to read "was thought to not be that mobile yet." Before I knew what was happening, he had literally vaulted the rail and plunged to the floor. My first thought, as always in any situation where one of them gets hurt, was "dead baby." I am an eternal optimist.

Fortunately, he started screaming right away, so dead baby was off the table, but lots of other options were still very much on.  I went right into what I have to assume is the standard systems check for any parent. Hands moving? Check, quadriplegic baby off the table. Feet moving? No...Move those feet!!! Ok, feet moving, paralyzed baby off the table. Massive head bump? No, took brunt of the fall on the butt. Eyes tracking, teeth all there, still handsome? Check check check.

I kid, but that was some scary stuff. I have no idea what I will do when one of them actually really gets hurt, like broken arm or stitches or broken heart kind of hurt. Oof.

You really do wish you could bottle up all the pain they will ever have and take it on yourself. Except maybe the circumcisions. They can keep those.

Benadryl drip?

Being back from vacation is good in some ways. I like sleeping in my own bed and being king of my meager castle.

What I don't like is the adjustment period that little boys go through each time we come back from 2 weeks of them being the center of the universe to four grandparents.

What I'm particularly unhappy about is the sleeping. Every trip throws a seismic curve into our sleep routine for some reason. Currently, I think Jakey may literally be trying to see what it takes for Sarah and I to take the fire department up on the "drop them off, no questions asked" policy. Two nights ago it was simply refusing to shut his eyes between 3 and 7 am and this morning it was being screamingly wide awake at 4:45.

I mean, I know in the grand scheme of things my exhaustion is not as important as, say, Darfur, but I don't deal much in the grand scheme these days and I need my damn rest. This body was not built simply by years of neglect and overindulgence - it is also the product of a solid 8 or 9 hours a night.

So, now I'm headed out to CVS to see if they sell any kind of IV system so we can all take a 3 day nap. I like my chances.

Vacation, all I ever wanted....

Well, OK, maybe not. But it was pretty fun. Since I am exhausted from my 6 hours of insane speeding (seriously, I should owe the commonwealths of Massachusetts and New York about $132,096.32 in fines), I will forego a detailed report and substitute a Life-worthy photo essay entitled "Our Vacation 2010".

First off, Jakey learned to climb the stairs, more than doubling my chances of having him sustain a horrible brain injury on my watch.

Jakey being very proud after conquering the stairs

Graham got an old school big-wheel and then opened an old school big-wheel body shop

We went on a hayride. I know what you're thinking, $3 per person for all this scenery?!?!? What a deal.

This is where the tractor driver leading the hayride tried to force us to buy pumpkins.  I hated him.

Graham and Papa John ride the cow cars ($6 each). On the real, who wants to open a Corn Maze with me and become an overnight billionaire?

Jakey slipped his diaper and tried to ruin my mom's rug

I got to have sushi that was served on a boat, which I loved, and then had 6 days of weird constipation which I also loved, but less so.

What is any vacation without a cookie the size of your head? Seriously, this is one-quarter of the original cookie.

Hiking off said cookie

The wild turkey that I needed to shoo away from the car before Sarah would get in.  She has extensive experience facing unimaginable trauma in the pediatric emergency room but is terrified of a docile flightless bird. Life is funny.

Vacation ended with Graham kicking out the jams. I missed taping the beginning because Jakey and I were moshing so hard.

I'm becoming lazy

I know I have become a terrible blogger, but I'm on vacation in Massachusetts with the fams.

Ok, that's not true, Jakey and I have defected to Russia. Sorry, USA.

 

Ok, we're actually on vacation. 

Many stories to come....

Epic Fail

I utterly and completely failed as a parent today.

In my defense, my children were sent from Hell today. Both of the boys were angry from the second they got up, but I know I didn't make it any better. Truthfully, I was too tired from being up all night with Jake to even care that much. The outcome was that the normal button pushing that comes with Graham's age turned into endless circular logic arguments and Jakey's screaming for bottles just made me want to hang myself. End result: they ended up watching a LOT of TV in the morning while being endlessly pacified with repeated helpings of colored goldfish.

Then, mercifully, it was nap time. However, they both refused to sleep even one wink - not a single god damned z between them. In fact, they not only did not sleep, they actually egged on each other's yelling and pouting for about  half an hour until both were frothy screaming messes.

After that we went to Julian's house and made cookies despite about a trillion Grahamtrums before and during the trip. Bad choice? Of course, but I was just too beat up to do the right thing and establish some consequences. So instead, I rewarded bad behavior with sugar. Good call, Welsh.

In the end, my only victory was gained by exploiting the child's illiteracy and writing bad words on the cookies in food coloring before they were baked. Think I'm kidding?

I'm not

I know you can't win them all, but I feel....how do you say?.... not good.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow.